Longing

Sometimes I just feel really lonely.

Don't get me wrong, I have some of the sweetest friends a girl could ask for. But sometimes I feel like it is just me trying to make it through each day. That no one really understands me. And then I come to my age old battle: is God really enough for me during THESE times? In times where I feel like he really is the only sure thing I have? Sometimes I wonder how a man who I can't touch and smell and hug and look right in the eye could ease my loneliness. It seems to just make it worse... to be so in love with my Jesus and so close to him, and yet so far away.

Anyone with me here?

I can't wait for the day that I can run to my beloved, jump in his lap, smell his smell, feel his arms around me, and whisper how much I love him.

But for now, me and him have a lot of things to figure out...

Our Mission: in a Very Small Nutshell

Living on a college campus has really shown me the reality a lot of my peers live in. I've seen people who are addicted to partying and alcohol; I've seen people who sleep around with different partners every week; I've seen people who showcase their bodies more than I could ever imagine doing. But today I realized there is only one thing that makes me different from these people.

I know how valuable I really am.

Let it be my mission, our CHURCH'S mission to show our brothers and sisters how truly VALUABLE they are. How loved and cherished they are. So much so that the world would not be the same without them. That they have a purpose and a unique plan so special that a man without sin died for them.

I'm really no different than everyone else. I've just seen and experienced a deep, soul-wrenching love that changed my life.

Different

Today as I was walking to class, I could hear two girls behind me talking. One girl asked her friend if her shoes were comfortable. The girl replied, "Yeah they are! You have to get a pair of Sperry's. Everyone wears them!" The same thing happened to me in my jazz class this morning. A couple of people behind me were making fun of a girl they knew because of what she wore and how she acted. She was "different". She dressed "differently".

Both those things really got me thinking. How different would this world be if people like that didn't exist? God made each of us so amazingly unique and different. Each part of us was created for his glory and to praise him and to impact the world. Imagine how much we could accomplish in this world if we all felt unbound by any expectation or label. Imagine if people in the church would all fully be themselves and live true to how God created them. How different would our worship be? Our services be? The way we praise our maker and the way we act around others?

I think we would see a group of people fully ALIVE.

This was also a gut check for me today. Am I that person that tries to hold people back? Where am I that person that puts bondage on people?

Let us be people who show others what true freedom looks like.

Ashes

It is so easy for me to accept that I am worthy of being covered in ashes.

And by ashes, I mean blackness, darkness, unworthiness, sinfulness.

Abba, bring me out of my darkness.

My instinct is to wallow in how bad I am; in how much of a sinful creature I am; how unworthy I am.

But God does not mark me with ashes to place me in bondage.

Our God is a God of freedom!! Our God saves and draws us up from the wreckage and brings life and healing and righteousness to places of darkness!

Father please, on this day of rememberence of my sinfulness, help to to see how good you are. I want the glory of your love and beauty and righteousness to knock me to the ground. Let my acknowledgment of how dark I am make your light seem even brighter. Let me see what it is like to be blinded by my God.

Bring me out.

The Lover's Song

breath

knocking, knocking

breath

warm whisper

the world keeps turning

breath

turning, turning...

breath

romanced embraces

lovers gestures

the world keeps turning

breath

feathers in my hair

butterflies on my heart

twisting

searching

fighting

knocking

yearning

the world keeps turning

"come be the fire inside of me. come be the flame upon my heart. come be the fire inside of me, until you and I are one."

Dear Parents, Not All Rap is Bad

I was listening to the radio the other day when the song "Down" came on by Jay Sean. I've heard it MANY times before... but i was listening to the lyrics...

"Baby don't worry, you are my only. Even if the sky is falling down... Now she my miss America Now can I be her soldier please, I'm fighting for this girl, on the battlefield of love."

Culture these days is all about women's independence, assertiveness, and aggressiveness to go for what we want and fight for it. We're supposed to hold a full time career, ask men out for dates, pay for our meals, open the doors. If not, we're considered weak or submissive.

I don't know about you, girls, but sometimes i just want to be fought for.

There is a deep desire in my soul to be protected, treasured, rescued, comforted, and led... The movies that make me swoon? Song lyrics that make my heart race?

A woman does not have to be weak to be protected; to be fought for.

I'm ready for a generation of male warriors.

I know I'm not alone. There is something in our world that is crying out for the men to step up to their place. To lead, to protect, to conquer, to rescue.

with so much faith,

kylie

here, now, and then

Sometimes I feel like life is one giant balancing act.

First of all, we have our actual schedule. School + work + friends + homework + church activities + daily hygiene rituals +sleep + God time = not much time left.

Today at work I had to work the cash register. There were a couple reasons why this was a bad idea: 1. I've had bad experiences with cash registers. Like, reoccurring panic attack experiences. I won't get into the horrors here :) 2. I am not detail oriented. This leads to many serious issues. Like, who cares if I ring up steak instead of chicken? or, "oh, you should've gotten 4 dollars? sorry i thought that said 16.50!" (All true stories, btw) 3. I'm not good at pressing buttons. That sounds dumb, but really. I like pressing them, but i always mess up. So around 12 we started having people come in. And more... and more... until there were lines TO THE DOOR. Madness. At one point my boss came up to me in the middle of another one of my crisis's and i just looked at him with my panic face and went "eeeaahhhhh!!"

Sometimes life makes me feel like that. Like i just want to throw my hands up in the air and scream "eeaahhhhhh!!"

Then there's the past, present, future issue. I have to balance looking into the past and learning and healing, being in the present and living in the NOW, and looking towards the future and working for that. My biggest issue: present living. Especially being a senior, i'm in go mode. Like, lets do this bring it on mode.

But it's a balance. God's got things for me to do here and now that I can't do later in life.

Even though things always seem like they'll be better and easier in the future. It's easy for me to push things off from NOW and think that it'll all be better when i've hit my future.

Go mode isn't always the best mode.

So somehow i have to handle the mess of my day to day schedule along with balancing my past, present, and future and making sure somehow they all coincide together into one, cohesive plan that won't make me want to scream "eaaaahhhhh!!!".

Oh, wait. I don't really have to...

All i can say is, thank goodness God is in control.


love,

kylie